Homesickness, conflict and compromise

The hard months arrive after the move, not before it. They are common, and there are better and worse ways through them.

Last reviewed: 2026-11-06

Why the hard months come after the move

Before a move, a couple has a goal: papers, tickets, a flat, a date. After it, the goal is reached and the real work of daily life begins. The partner who has moved is often tired and quietly grieving; the other partner may be disappointed that the long-awaited arrival does not feel the way they imagined. Both may feel guilty about their disappointment, and so say nothing.

It helps to know that this pattern is ordinary. Many people who live abroad describe an early period of excitement, followed by a dip when the novelty fades, followed (for many, though not all) by a gradual settling. It is not a rule, and it does not take the same time for everyone. It does not mean that the relationship was wrong. It does mean that a couple does well to plan for it, to say aloud that it may come, and to keep affection and humour going when it does.

This guide covers three linked subjects: homesickness, the arguments that recur, and the question of compromise, which asks who gives up what and how couples can avoid slowly keeping a ledger.

Homesickness: what helps, what does not

Homesickness is not weakness and not ingratitude. It is the natural result of leaving a place full of language, habits, food, weather, landscape and above all people. It can come in waves, set off by a smell, a song, a holiday, or news from home.

What tends to help

• Regular contact with home, on a rhythm. A set call with parents or friends gives the week a shape. Some people find that too much contact keeps them from settling, while too little deepens the loneliness; couples can experiment and adjust.
• Small rituals of home. A favourite dish, a holiday observed in the old way, a playlist, a shelf of familiar books. They do not replace home, but they carry some of it.
• A place of one’s own in the new country. A class, a club, a job, a volunteering role, a place of worship, a group of people from the same background. Connection outside the couple relieves the pressure on both partners.
• Language progress. Being able to manage the bank, the doctor and small talk does a great deal for confidence. Support the learning without turning it into an exam.
• Planned visits. Knowing when the next trip home is can make a hard month easier. Plan one when you can, and plan it together.

What tends not to help

• “But you chose this.” It is true, and it silences. A person can have chosen a life and still miss another.
• Comparisons. “At least here you have…” belittles what is missed. Let the sadness be sadness.
• Fixing it too fast. A partner who tries to cheer up the other with activities may seem not to hear. Listen first.
• Pretending it is not there. People who hide homesickness to protect their partner often become more isolated and more resentful.

The arguments that keep coming back

Many couples find that they have the same quarrel again and again, wearing different clothes: the dishes, the in-laws, the phone, the money, the holiday. Researchers who study couples often distinguish problems that can be solved from ones that are rooted in difference and have to be managed, not solved. This distinction is useful here, where many differences are of the second kind.

To tell which one you are in, ask what the argument is about underneath. Often the surface subject (who left the cup on the table) stands for something deeper: recognition, respect, security, belonging, being seen.

Naming the deeper question does not end the argument, but it often changes its tone. You stop fighting about the cup and start talking about feeling valued.

Who gives way? Compromise that does not keep score

In a couple across countries, one person has usually given up more visibly: a home, a job, a language, a network. The other has given up other things, which may be less visible. It is natural for both to feel that they have made the larger sacrifice, and unhelpful for either to say so in an argument.

A few ideas help compromise stay fair without turning into accounting.

1. Say what you have given up, once, in a calm moment. Not as an accusation, but so that your partner knows. Many people are surprised by what the other quietly carries.
2. Acknowledge the other person’s sacrifice aloud. “I know that you left a lot to be here” costs nothing and goes a long way. So does “I know that you work hard so that we can have this”.
3. Separate preferences from needs. Compromise freely on preferences, and protect needs. A need is something that, if denied for long, damages the person: contact with a parent, a faith, a creative outlet, time alone.
4. Alternate and swap. If one partner cares more about one area and the other about a second, trade. Rotate decisions about holidays and visits.
5. Set a review date. Large decisions feel less final when you agree to look at them again in six months.

Fighting well across cultures

Cultures differ in how conflict is expressed. In some families, raised voices are normal and quickly forgotten, while in others a raised voice is a serious breach. Some people withdraw in silence, and others want to talk it out at once. If you assume that your way is the universal way, you will misread your partner.

• Agree on ground rules when calm. No threats to leave, no insults aimed at family or nationality, no reference to the visa or legal status as a weapon.
• Agree on a pause signal. Either of you can ask for twenty minutes, with a promise to return to the subject.
• Avoid the nuclear options. “Go back to your country” and “I knew this was a mistake” are not arguments; they are injuries, and they linger. A partner who depends on you for a legal status is especially vulnerable to such words, and using them is unacceptable.
• Stay in the present. Resist listing earlier grievances. Deal with one subject at a time.
• Make the repair as deliberate as the quarrel. A real apology names what you did and what you will do differently.

If an argument turns into fear, intimidation, control of money or movement, threats about status, or any form of violence, this is not a cultural difference to be negotiated. It is a safety matter. Contact local emergency services or a local support organisation for people affected by domestic abuse; many offer services to newcomers and information in several languages.

When to ask for outside help

Couples therapists, counsellors and community organisations are a resource, not a sign of failure. Cross-cultural couples may benefit from someone who is comfortable with bilingual work or has experience of migration. If a therapist assumes that the cultural difference explains everything, or treats one partner’s way as the norm, look for another.

Seek help when you notice any of these: the same argument has repeated for many months with no change; one of you has stopped talking about the subject; sadness or anxiety is affecting sleep, work or health; or either of you feels unsafe. A family doctor is a good first contact for low mood that does not lift. If you are in distress, contact a local helpline or emergency service.

Staying close to home from afar

For the partner who has moved, staying connected to home is not disloyalty to the new life. It is part of being a whole person. For the other partner, supporting that connection is part of the bargain: a flight home when a parent is ill, a call at a hard anniversary, patience with a mood on a holiday.

It helps when each of you can say what you need and when you can offer it. A simple monthly check-in might use three questions: What is one thing that felt good this month? What was hard? What do you need from me next month? Over time, the answers become a record of how you made one home out of two.